Not surprisingly, parents usually contact me for help when
they're dealing with challenging preteens or teens. The
complaints revolve around: being disrespectful, not abiding
by the household rules, refusing to apply themselves at
school, fighting with siblings or classmates and getting in
trouble with the law.

The Problem-Focused Approach

Often parents wait too long after they've repeatedly applied the
usual ineffective, and perhaps even counterproductive methods,
(nagging, grounding, screaming or worse.) By this time these
kids have been labeled difficult and disruptive; at this
stage, you can be sure that they will live up to this negative
image. I call this a Problem-Focused Approach. When your
attention is focused on the problem, it will expand! But it
won't SOLVE the problem; it usually makes matters worse.

Some parents argue, "But it worked on me when I was growing
up!" OK, that's possible. And what does that have to do with
your current situation at hand with your challenging kid?
Absolutely nothing! Why? We are all different. What works
with one child doesn't with another one. What worked in one
generation doesn't cut it with the next one. Insisting that
a certain parenting method work for everyone doesn't make
much sense, does it?

Most parents are very aware when a parenting strategy works
or when it doesn't. So, why do some parents continue to employ
a traditional strategy that obviously isn't addressing the
difficulty at hand? Two reasons: (1) The strategy is repeated
because it has become habit; (2) Parents don't take the
time (or don't know how) to discover the underlying factors
that contribute to the child's difficult behavior.

Alright, so what can you do instead?

The Solution-Centric Approach

This practical and collaborative alternative is supported by
the neurosciences and is based on the premise that "kids can
do well IF they know HOW in a specific situation." Now some
of you might not like what I'm going to say next. What I'm
suggesting is that interpreting a child's behavior as
belligerent, bratty, manipulative, or controlling is simply
an assumption, a viewpoint. It might appear this way on the
surface; but what is probably truer is that this kid is lacking
the skills to behave collaboratively.

When you understand that difficult behaviors show up when
an underlying, unsolved problem has been festering, then you
can get to the root of the issue and get it resolved. Kids
are generally not equipped to do this for themselves, so they
"act out" instead. It's really a cry for help. It's up to the
parent, the wise leader, to recognize what's needed (or get
help).

With a Solution-Centric Approach you emphasize the behavior
you want to cultivate and teach your kids by example.
Specifically, I'm referring to the time-tested Parent Coach
collaborative communication steps found in my eBook Getting
Your Ducks in a Row (or the complete book with specific
examples in Coach Your Teen to Success.) This approach helps
you explore what's beneath the surface, listen to your child's
concerns, and together work toward a satisfactory resolution.

Using these tools will help you to dramatically improve your
interactions with your teenagers. These tools are now also
being introduced to teachers to help transform the classroom.
Change is achievable when you recognize that you can impact
behavior by utilizing collaborative tools.

If you're someone who benefits from having additional guidance
for yourself or your teenager, or if you would like an
accountability partner to help keep you on track as you
develop your new skills, feel free to contact us or take a
look at the sample of Coach Your Teen to Success facilitators
that are featured at www.teenfrontier.com.

Best-

Barbara

For more information on how to cultivate a Solution-Centric
Approach, refer to Coach Your Teen to Success or visit:

http://www.teenfrontier.com