How would you rate your relationship with your teen daughter or son?

If you are unsure or you want to double check your answer, ask

yourself this question: "How do I react when I hear my teen coming

home?" as you imagine hearing the sounds of your teen entering your

home.

Your honest answer will instantly reveal what’s really going on for

you. Do you feel relieved and happy that your child is home or do

you sigh as your stomach tightens? If it’s the latter, it’s

time to stop pretending that everything is OK and begin to take an

inventory. Instead of listing all of the things that are annoying

you, list all the things that are going well.

Granted this could be a short list as parents experience a change in

their children at the pre-teen stage; kids are programmed to begin

carving out their self-identity. I often hear, "Before my children

started middle school, we rarely argued about anything. Now we seem

to go head-to-head every week." Teens will question you, try on

different view points, and assert their independence. Parents often

wonder what happened to their lovable kid! He or she is still in

there. Believe it or not, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, you can minimize the number of conflicts you have

by first accepting that you are each going to have your own opinions.

Be open, listen, and identify those areas where you can agree and

place your attention there. This will increase your connection.

The biggest stumbling block you'll run into relates to the need to

be in control. Just remember that forcing another to do what you

think is right does not lead toward learning or self-responsibility.

Rather it leads to defiance and resistance.

Anticipate having disagreements, don't avoid them. Come up with a

game plan of how you want to handle conflicts. Be clear about your

parenting responsibilities. If you feel yourself (or your teen)

getting too emotional, call a time out and regroup later. No real

communication takes place when negative feelings cloud good judgment.

Conflicts during the teen years are natural. The extent of your

arguments will depend upon how prepared your are to handle them. Your

responses will teach your kids how to negotiate and/or disagree. Be

willing to give teens more breathing room while keeping them safe.

Action Step:

Whether you want to change your relationships with your teens from

"bad" to "good" or from "good" to "great," it begins with you. You

are the parent, the leader, the coach! Take care of your emotions

first and then focus on the love you have for your teen before

attempting to communicate. Do this for one week; you’ll not only

get a break from your frustration, but you’ll also start noticing

a difference.

SOURCE: Coach Your Teen to Success--7 Simple Steps to Transform

Relationships & Enrich Lives by Barbara McRae, MCC

http://www.teenfrontier.com

My best,

Barbara